As I sit down to pour my heart out in writing, I cannot help but look back to what had been a bittersweet journey which started two years ago. 2019 had been for me, a year of heartbreaks in different areas. First, I fell in love with a job I thought I would have steadily. For the longest time I had been switching employments, uncertain about my goals. But when that post came, I honestly believed I would have it unceasingly. It was a job I had decided to embrace and willingly spread myself out for. I think it was because it came into my life at a point when I was already seeking for stability. Thus, when it presented itself at the doorstep, my hopeful self instantly pulled it in. However, everything I aspired through and with it turned out to be a body blow. In the end, I lost grasp of the job and witness things plunged down with it. For a time, I had felt lost and irresolute about taking steps forward.
Cut to weeks later, I found reasons to move on albeit the disappointments and uncertainties. Things happened almost at the blink of an eye, and the next thing I knew, I was already working as a hospital nurse. At that time, it offered the most efficient way to being employed again. Thus, I snatched the chance without any hint of hesitance. So many things were new, but some things stayed the same within me- doubts and lack of clarity on what I was doing and where I was heading. I ungrudgingly sought for reasons to believe that I was taking the right path by being a nurse. Thus, I decided to take the NCLEX- which would unknowingly turn out to be the cause of another heartbreak. On the day of the scheduled exam in August 2019, I was not permitted to take the NCLEX because of a document I failed to bring and present. I had to go through the whole process of the exam application again, which meant spending twice for the same thing. That day left mental scars in me because of so many factors attached and dependent on it. I felt defeated by the circumstances, and kept blaming myself for something I would have known, if only I had been more determined about it.
As the cliché goes, "things happen, life goes on", and this I did. I decided to just go with the flow because it was the easiest thing to do at that point. I was already starting to acknowledge and settle on that zone, when the opportunity to work in the UK presented itself and stirred up my motivation afresh. It came knocking at the door, and I felt like I had to seize the chance. I subjected myself to the whole process- took different exams, sat down for numerous interviews, and finally completed the requirements by March 2020. I had my hopes up at the prospect of working outside of the country and bring more relevant things in my life. Then, just when my deployment date was about to be released- pandemic happened and put the whole world to a stop. Expectedly, my deployment was postponed until further notice. Such a hapless soul!
COVID scare was at it's peak when I decided to be assigned in the COVID facility of the same hospital I was working in. There were so many things I had to consider which resulted to that decision. And if I were to be honest, the major deciding factor was the higher compensation being offered. I waited for the pandemic to stop while working in the COVID facility. My experience in that period was brimming with different events and emotions- ranging from taking care of patients ( suspects and confirmed ) to being a COVID-positive myself. I had to go on duty and quarantine alternately, which lasted until I got an update regarding my lineup from the agency in December. I resigned from work and travelled to Manila in January to prepare for the early February deployment.
As if the preceding unfavorable events were not enough, the February deployment was once again canceled due to circumstances which were out of control. By the time I was informed, I was already in Manila, and our town was in a complete lockdown due to increasing confirmed cases of COVID-19. In addition, going home and back to Manila when needed will had been harder, because of the unstable travel situations. Thus, I had no choice but to extend my stay in Manila, wait for the final announcement regarding my deployment, be alone, and away from my family - all these while battling disappointments and frustrations. I can now confess that it was the lowest point of my life. But during those times, I had difficulty opening up to others- not even to my family. The first few days had been hard to bear. Never a day when I did not shed tears over my situation and the uncertainties surrounding it. For a while, felt hopeless and helpless until I saw a particular post while scrolling through Instagram.
After trying my best to contain my emotions in the days that passed, I finally surrendered and gave way to them. I cried my eyes out, talked to God about my frustrations, straightforwardly questioned His plans for my life, and whether I really deserve everything that had been happening. Of course, I did not get the answers. But I was certain about one thing - I felt good thereafter. For this reason, I found myself going back to that page every time let-down strikes. I would go back to that IG page, close my eyes, scroll the screen with my fingers, and randomly open the very first image I see after I open my eyes again. As I sit down today to put everything into words, I know at that time, out of exasperation and being completely lost, I was unconsciously asking God to talk to me through the images. And I am sure He did, because every picture I could pull up sent a message that seemed to fill in a gap inside me, addressing every yearning and removing each unpleasant emotion. At the flick of a switch, I ended up longing for some more- I downloaded Christian songs, and worshipped as I play them ; bought a book for daily devotions, and thoughtfully set my early mornings reading each page; installed a bible app and dotingly read verses and listened to the devotional that comes with it. I set my eyes on God's words and found comfort in them. For the longest time I had not known that it was what could rescue me from being caved in with everything that was slowly breaking me.
I got stuck in Manila for 3 months, and God used that period to help me seek and walk closer towards Him. I decided to set my focus on God, trusted His plans, and held on to His promises. I slowly forgot about my own pains and shifted my focus on what He wants. While I was at that state, everything was slowly falling into place. I decided to take the NCLEX while waiting in Manila. Thankfully I was able to secure a slot to sit down for the exam after months without it. Lo and behold, on March 12, 2021 I received my Certificate of Sponsorship (which was a go-signal for my visa application), and the news that I passed the NCLEX and is already a USRN on the same day! Definitely, God can turn around any situations ( Romans 8:28). The scars marked by everything I had been through vanished. And God made it happen in a beautiful way- more than I had expected. He is amazing!
Today, I acknowledge God's presence in my life. He purposely removed some things from me, and allowed me to fall into faults, so that I can find my way to Him. I am grateful for the tough love He has shown me- through it, I have learned to let go of self-reliance and pride. I had tried to search for relevance through worldly things, and I am happy to have finally let go of that. I am glad He used my emotional pains to bring me to this beautifully imperfect spot in my life- where it is not about what I can gain for myself, but what I can do for His glory. Never in my life have I been more secured and contented. I do not want to lose this place within me. I will protect it at all cost.